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Humor And Jokes

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi was concerned that he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest go into the confessional together. In a fwe minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks, "What did you do?"The woman says, "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say three Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say three Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.00"

The NFL announced that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving money.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

A little North Houston girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent. The he said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

A Houston couple, both bona fide Texans, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--
why after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied they had read in a recent article in the Houston Chronicle that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

A little girl in S.W. Houston asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had

children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused little girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and daddy said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Little Billy's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Billy's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Billy's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Billy told his dad he understood completely.

When Billy looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Billy."

Billy said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Billy.

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Billy, "cuz he'd be **** outta luck if he needed glasses."

Over in SW Houston, a 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year-old. " I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 Year-olds nods his head in approval. The 6 year-old continues, "When we go
downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.' The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for
breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts,"You can stay in there until I
let you out."

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, "An what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

Little Billy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Billy asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Billy, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the FedEx guy wants to buy Mom."

A new 5th ward teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few moments, Little Tremaine stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Tremaine?"

Little Tremaine said "No ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six
weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work."

The father of four cleared the room of toys and chuckled to the minister who was visiting, "Since I've had kids, Ive learned what Paul meant by saying, "When I became a man, I put away childish things,' "

A critical Woodlands neighbor was speaking of the spoiled playboy who lived next door. "He went to college and received a B.A., but his M.A. and his P.A. still support him."

A love struck N.W. Houston 17-year-old was begging his father to sign for his marriage license. "Don't worry about me making a living, Dad. Two can live as cheaply as one!" "I'm sure two can. Your mother and I have lived as cheaply as you for some time now."

The motto of a single mother: Look like a girl, act like a lady, think like a man, and work like a dog.

A single mother over in N.W. Houston was giving her daughter piano lessons every day of the week. One day a man knocked on the door. "Who are you?" the single mom asked. "Jones, the piano tuner." "But I didn't send for you," she protested. "No, but the couple in the apartment upstairs did."

Sammy was practicing his violin lesson while the next door neighbor's hound dog howled pitifully. The neighbor took all he could and finally came over to talk to Sammy's parents. "Please, can't the boy play something the dog doesn't know?"

A young N.W. Houston mother pushed her baby in a stroller while the baby wailed loudly. A child psychologist met her while walking his dog and heard her saying, "Be calm, Margie. Take it easy Margie!" "Young lady," he said, "I congratulate you on knowing how to calm babies." The he leaned over the stroller and said, "Hi Margie. You're a cute little cry baby." "No! No! the mother shrieked, "Im Margie. She's Beverly."

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